Forever and an Ed
by Moskevyu
Summary: Plank's in love and it's messing with Eddy's head.
1. Chapter 1

The characters are the property of Aka Cartoon and Cartoon Network. I neither own nor profit from them.

* * *

**Forever and an Ed, Part One**

"You can't go wrong with these, Jonny-boy."

"I don't know, Eddy."

"A genuine 1984 Starter Rookie Platinum pack? Okay-okay, tell you what... For an extra 15 cents, I'll throw in these collectors edition Super Bowl jersey drink coasters."

"But they're used."

"So? What's a little ring mark on a sports classic?"

"Plank says you can't be trusted. We don't even know this stuff is yours."

"That's not what I heard him say."

"Yeah, right! As if he'd talk to you! Ha!"

"Alright, fine! Out of my room, then."

Jonny paused on his way out the door as if Plank said to him. Then he looked toward Eddy's nightstand. "Oh, yes. She _is_ nice."

"What?" Eddy brightened up.

"Oh, nothing. See ya' Eddy."

-

The next morning, Eddy woke to find a pair of eyes staring at him. Plank sat on his nightstand and watched him while leaning against his lava lamp.

"What the heck is Plank doing in my room?"

Irritated, Eddy got up and looked for Jonny. He found him on the playground, poking through shrubs while calling Plank's name.

"Jonny, what were you doing in my room?"

"Say what?"

"What were you doing in my room?"

"When?"

"Last night, Amnesia Boy!"

"I wasn't in your room last night."

"Oh yeah? Well how did Plank get there, then?"

"PLANK!" Jonny grabbed Plank and nuzzled him. "I've been worried sick about you, buddy!"

"Okay, yeah-yeah, happy reunion, yawn-yawn. Just stay out of my room from now on."

"But I wasn't in your room, Eddy."

-

The next morning, Ed and Edd sneaked into Eddy's room to wake him. Eddy snored happily until Ed leapt on the bed and Edd yelled, "DOGPILE!" All three wrestled for a few minutes, until Edd noticed something.

"Eddy, why is Plank in your room?"

"Huh?" Eddy looked and found Plank sitting on his nightstand, again. "Oh, man! Not again!"

-

"JONNY! WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT STAYING OUT OF MY ROOM?!"

"But I wasn't in your room. Honest."

"Yeah? Well, I found Plank in there again! It's not as if he can walk by himself, ya' know!"

"But I didn't put him there!"

"Really? Well, make sure he stays out of my room, tonight. If I find him again, you're in serious trouble!"

-

"My, this is interesting."

"Huuuuuuunnnnhhh?" Eddy rolled over and squinted; trying to focus his sleepy eyes on Edd.

"The same place almost exactly."

"Huh?" Eddy looked at his nightstand. Plank was there, again. "ARRGH! What's with that guy?!" Eddy threw his sheets off his bed, grabbed Plank, and stormed into his closet.

"Messy, messy, messy." Edd started making Eddy's bed. "Maybe Jonny is practicing some new annoyance technique?"

"I wonder how annoying he'll find my foot in his butt," Eddy growled.

"But what if Jonny is telling the truth?"

"Edd, face the evidence. Jonny carries Plank everywhere. So, if Plank is in my room, it's because Jonny put him here."

"I don't know, Eddy. Jonny seemed pretty convinced he wasn't in your room."

"He seems pretty convinced a piece of wood talks to him, too. C'mon, let's go."

-

"Oh, Eddy! Have you seen Plank, this morning?"

"Good work, Ed."

Edd tugged against his leash and barked menacingly.

"Huh?" Jonny looked at Ed and started laughing.

"Sic him, Ed."

Eddy dropped Ed's leash and Ed charged at Jonny; knocking him over. Then he pinned him and licked his face. Jonny laughed harder. "AH-HA-HA!! STOP! Stop Ed! That tickles!"

"RUFF! RUFF! ARRRUFF!"

"Okay, Ed. Take five."

Edd picked up Ed's leash while Ed sat back on his haunches and panted like a dog. Jonny still laid on the ground gasping and recovering from his laughter.

"So, Jonny? Why do I keep finding Plank in my room? He's your stupid friend, right?"

Jonny tried wiping some of Ed's saliva from his face before looking for Plank. "Where is he?"

"He's someplace safe. But he ain't seeing daylight until I get a straight answer out of you."

Jonny quickly grew enraged. "WHERE IS HE? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH PLANK?!"

"Hold on, Attila! This whole thing is your fault!"

"WHADDYA' MEAN?!"

"You're the one who kept sneaking into my room and leaving him there!"

"I DID NO SUCH THING! THIS IS ALL SOME SCAM OF YOURS! LET HIM GO, NOW! PLAAANK!"

"What are you dorks up to?" Kevin pulled up on his bike, followed promptly by Rolf and Victor.

"ARRRUFF! RUFF RUFF!" Ed barked.

"Shut it!" Kevin snapped. Edd whimpered and recoiled behind Edd.

"What is going on with the No-Account Ed-Boys?" Rolf demanded.

"EDDY TOOK PLANK! HE'S LOCKED HIM UP SOMEWHERE!" Jonny's rage turned to tears.

"So you're taking stuff from little kids for ransom, eh?" Kevin got off his bike. "You guys just sink lower and lower." His look grew threatening.

"Uh, no! No-no! That's not it at all, heh-heh!" Eddy put his hands up to try to placate Kevin. "Really, Kev! I was just trying to get Jonny to answer a question."

"Yeah, right." Kevin grabbed Eddy by the collar and thrust him against a nearby tree. "You've got to the count of ten to give Plank back to Jonny, before I pound you cross-eyed!"

"But Kevin! It's true! Ask..."

"ONE."

"Kevin?"

"TWO."

"Kev, surely we can talk this over..."

"THREE."

"But, Plank's not with us!"

"FOUR."

"Kev, if you'd just let me go..."

"FIVE."

"Oh, man..."

"SIX."

"Ed! Double-D!"

"SEVEN."

"Guys?!"

"EIGHT."

"Don't just stand there!"

"NINE."

"Help me! PLEASE!"

"TEN."

-

"Keep that ice on him, Ed. I'll go get more."

"Mmmmmmmmnnnnnhhhhh." Eddy lolled his head in the grass as he regained consciousness. When he opened his eyes, he found himself lying in Edd's front yard. "I feel the Earth spin."

"Macaroni and cheese," Ed said congenially.

"Ugh," Eddy grabbed his stomach. "Please don't mention food."

"Oh, good. You're back." Edd dangled an ice pack in front of Eddy's eyes. "What's the third letter of the alphabet?"

"Five."

"Can you tell me what day it is?"

"November?"

"Uh, close enough," Edd handed him the ice pack. "Hold this, please."

"What happened?"

"Kevin, Rolf and Victor decided to teach you some manners."

"What did I do?"

"You hid Plank from Jonny in an attempt to extort a confession. You were convinced he's been sneaking into your room at night."

"Oh. Uh, Double-D?"

"Yes, Eddy?"

"Remind me not to try that again."

-

Once Eddy recovered enough to stand, the boys walked him home. Eddy pulled his shirt off and examined his damage. Before his mirror, he touched a bruise forming on his temple. "Man, they could've gone a little easier on my face." Then he ventured into the kitchen to make another ice pack before heading to bed. He almost made it onto the bed before his bleary eyes noticed something. Plank was back on his nightstand.

"Okay! It's official! Somebody's messing with my head!"

"My. This is strange. Shall I fetch Jonny?"

"After that Kevin thing? Forget it! I'll sleep with a piece of wood before I try a wooden box!"

"Jonny will be highly distraught without Plank. We really should get him."

"Yeah? Well, get HIM! Don't bring a bunch of other people over. Especially Kevin!"

"Of course."

-

Edd and Ed returned shortly with Jonny, who apprehensively poked his head through Eddy's door. "So, where's Plank?"

"Right here. Get him and get lost," Eddy grumbled.

"Wow, that eye's not looking so well."

"Really? I'd love to share." Eddy cracked his knuckles.

"Eddy, please don't," Edd warned. "You've put us through enough today."

"YOU?! Who's the one with people sneaking into his room? Who's the one who got his butt kicked from hither to yon for trying to get to the bottom of it? I don't see you guys all bruised-up!"

"What's that, Plank?" Jonny looked quizically at Plank. "Really? Oh, how funny!" Jonny started giggling. "You smooth operator, you!"

"What?" Eddy looked at Jonny, then at Plank.

"Plank's in love!"

"Huh?"

"Plank's in love, Eddy!"

"What are you talking about?"

"Plank fell in love with Lamp!" Jonny plucked Plank from the nightstand and hugged him. Then he laughed as he waltzed around the room. "Oh, you're too much!"

"Who is Lamp?"

"The lava lamp, silly!"

Eddy looked at Edd and mouthed, _"Call the cops!"_ Edd just grinned.

"Okay, yeah. Jonny?"

"Yes, Eddy?"

"I'm afraid Lamp is a little young to be dating."

"What are you talking about? She's older than you!"

"Well, I think maybe she and I should have a certain _'chat'_ before relationship progresses, don't you?"

"Certain chat?" A comprehending look slowly crossed Jonny's face. "Ohhhh,_ 'that chat.'_ Yes, Plank and I should probably discuss that, too."

"Right, yes. Do." Eddy walked Jonny and Plank to the door. "See ya' around."

-

"Okay, now what do we do?"

"I don't know, Eddy. I can't see any harm in a little summer romance, can you?"

"DOUBLE-D! This is a LAMP and a PIECE OF WOOD we're talking about! Get real!"

"Stranger couples have happened."

"Yeah, but _your_ parents are both human."

"Hey!"

"Well, your mother's questionable, but..."

"Watch it, Eddy!"

"Alright, alright! Keep your sock on." Eddy sat on his bed and put his ice pack back on his face.

Edd looked thoughtful. "Perhaps, Plank would be less tempted to sneak over if we indulged him, a little."

"What do you mean?"

"Let them date. They'll get their time together and Plank won't be in your room so much."

"What? We just put them together for a while?"

"That's not much of a date, Eddy."

"A real date? Double-D, how are a piece of wood and a lamp going to..? Hey, yeah! Good work, Double-D! We could let them date AND parlay their relationship into a little cash."

"Uh, that's not quite what I had in mind, Eddy."

"You're right. It's better! Let's get to work!"

-

END of Part One.


	2. Chapter 2

The characters appearing in this story are the property of Aka Cartoon and Cartoon Network. I neither own nor profit from them.

**Forever and an Ed, Part Two**

"Ah, oui-oui! Allow moi to welcome Monsieur and Mademoiselle to Chez Lemiere." Eddy and Double-D, both clad in navy blue suits with scarves tied at their necks, bowed graciously for Plank and Lamp.

"Je suis Eddy and I will be your Maitre d', this evening. Monsieur Double-D will be your waiter." Eddy snapped his fingers even though Edd stood right next to him. "Please seat them at once, Monsieur."

"With pleasure." Edd bowed again. "Apres moi, s'il vous plait."

Edd seated them at the dining room table, which he and Eddy decked in his mother's finest linens. After insisting the tablecloth and napkins should be ironed, Edd spent a good 1/2-hour figuring out how to fold the napkins into origami swans. While that was going on, Eddy pulled his mother's storage closet apart looking for fancy candles. He settled for his parents' wedding candle, but he removed some of the decorations so that its original purpose wasn't so obvious. A few classical CDs played from the Lemiere's stereo for a pleasant background. Ed, also dressed in a suit, lounged at the breakfast bar and sipped a soda. His instructions were only to look distinguished so that he'd add to the atmosphere and stay out of the way. To keep him from being bored, Edd eased up on his manner training and allowed Ed to read _'Slug-U-La' _and draw while at his station.

"Shall I start Monsieur and Mademoiselle with a beverage? Perhaps a selection of one of our fine wines?"

Edd paused and waited for an order. "Ah, oui. La champagne. Merveilleux choix. Merci."

Eddy grabbed Edd when he entered the kitchen. "Are you nuts? We can't serve alcohol! All the liquor bottles are marked and my parents don't even have champagne!"

"No-no." Edd opened Eddy's refrigerator and produced a bottle of sparkling apple cider. "Communion champagne, Eddy."

"Ah, heh-heh. Good."

Edd placed the bottle into an ice bucket and carried it, plus two crystal champagne flutes, to the table.

Eddy watched from the kitchen to see that things were going well. All was fine until Edd asked for their order. He realized a rather large oversight. Edd and Eddy were so caught up in producing atmosphere they forgot about the food.

Edd retuned to the kitchen looking extremely worried. "I have orders for saumon mousse and homard bisque. What are we going to do?!"

"Holy cow!" Eddy's eyes lit up. "That's like a five dollar dinner!"

"Eddy, we don't have any of those things!"

"Hmm. Uh, tell them you're sorry but we're out of those items. Offer, uh..." Eddy rummaged though the pantry. After a moment, he produced some canned clams and potato soup mix. "Here we go. Clam chowder."

"Clam chowder isn't French, Eddy."

"Well say it wis ze accent, oui-oui!"

"Eddy, please..."

"Okay, okay. Lemme think." Eddy dug through the pantry some more and then the refrigerator. "Cream of tomato soup, smoked salmon, extra sourdough bread, yogurt, bacon strips, camembert, mozzarella, cheddar, Prosciutto di Parma, dijon, Velveeta, artichokes, capers, jalapenos, garlic paste, baked turkey breast, leftover casserole, a lime, spinach, lettuce, tomatoes, apples, a ton of plums and some fossilized macaroni. That's about it, Double-D."

"I might be able to swing something with the salmon and the camembert. Keep the capers out, too."

After successfully selling his alternative entree, Edd returned looking triumphant. "Now to make something that tastes decent."

Eddy handed Edd the salmon, but not before noticing the price sticker at the top of the package.

"Thirty-eight bucks! Holy cow!"

"Good smoked salmon is very expensive, Eddy."

"I just hope my mom forgot we had this."

Edd heated the fish enough to melt the camembert over the top and sprinkled it with capers. Then he topped it off with ground pepper. Eddy tried to make suggestions, but his track record with pizza, omelets and microwave burritos guaranteed Edd wouldn't let him help.

Ed's position at the breakfast bar gave him the opportunity to hear, see and smell everything the boys were doing. Unfortunately, soda simply wasn't enough to stave off his hunger. Eddy gave him a package of crackers to keep him happy, but they weren't nearly as exciting as the fish. Two hot plates of salmon cooled on the counter while Maitre'd Eddy made his 'rounds' and Edd poured more sparkling cider for Plank and Lamp.

Thinking he'd milk his guests for a bigger tip; Eddy stepped outside and clipped a rose from one of Evelynne's bushes. When he returned to he kitchen, both plates sat in the sink; licked clean.

"Whoa, that went over well," Eddy grinned.

"Aaah, yeah. It was good."

"You're talking about the crackers, right?"

"Delicate, yet cheesy."

"ED!"

Edd returned to the kitchen, "What happened?"

"Ed scarfed our profits."

"Egad! I have to fix two new dinners?"

The boys set about replacing Plank and Lamp's dinners when there came a knock at the front door. Eddy looked at Edd. "Deliveries?" Instead of deliveries, Eddy opened the door to find the Kankers; dressed in their best clothes and assembled on his front porch.

"Bonsoir, Mademoiselles?"

"Good evening," Lee tried sounding sophisticated. "Three for dinner, please."

Eddy started to sweat. "Uh, trois? Heh-heh. Have-vous a reservacion?"

Lee turned to her sisters. "What'd he say?"

"Something about reservations." Marie grabbed Eddy's scarf and cinched it tightly around his throat. "Yes. You'll find ours under Kanker."

Eddy gagged and tried to loosen the scarf. "Ahh, oui-oui! _Cough!_ Lais moi sais vous! _Cough!_ Sous a table. Un moment." He closed the door.

"God? Are you there? It's me, Eddy."

"What's the matter?"

"The Kankers came for dinner!"

"I warned you not to put that sign out front!"

"Yeah-yeah! Save the 'I-told-you-so' for later. We gotta' figure out how to get rid of them!"

"Um, maybe a bad Board of Health inspection?"

"Not after you scrubbed our wallpaper down to the drywall!"

"Right. Um, this is a gourmet establishment. What if we serve gourmet foods they won't like?"

"Hey, yeah! We could get your mom to whip up some of that faux food you eat. That'll do it!"

"Faux food? Eddy, tofu is an extremely economical and ecologically viable protein source! Did you know that it takes 600 gallons of water to produce one pound of beef? That's not even considering the amount of grain involved, and think of the wastes cattle produce! If the monetary and environmental cost of raising cattle was invested in soy farming, the same amount would produce enough food to feed the world three times over!"

"Yeah? I'll bet ant farming could do the same thing."

Edd gasped.

Eddy started walking toward his back door. "Some ants, a little chocolate…"

"EDDY! NO!"

"I wonder what they're like in fondue?"

"YOU LEAVE MY ANTS ALONE!"

"You're going to talk to your mom?"

"No, but the French are renowned for one of their delicacies. You've heard of Escargot? It's as foreign to North American tastes as eating insects."

"What's that?"

"Escargot. You know. Snails."

Eddy almost fell over himself laughing. "Oh, YES! Snails! You're a genius! They'll have the Kankers outta' here for sure!"

Another knock came from the front door.

"Okay, Monsieur Double-D. See that our guests are seated. I'll round up some snails."

"Oh, sure. Take the easy job."

Edd swallowed hard, straightened his scarf and answered the door. "Seating for three?"

"Pumpkin!" Marie threw her arms around him. "He's so cute in his little French scarf!"

"Marie! Let the man do his job! I'm sick of waitin' around!"

"Alright, alright. Jeez, Lee."

"Yes. Er, I mean oui." Edd straightened his outfit nervously. "Right this way."

Edd tried to lead the girls to the kitchen table, but Lee saw the lights in the Dining Room and decided that's where they should be seated. "What's this junk doing here?" Lee picked up Lamp and examined her. "If we're going to have romantic lighting by lava lamp, you'd think they'd at least plug it in."

"Hey, that's my back scratcher!" May grabbed Plank from his chair and proceeded to use him on her back."

"May! Not at the table! This place is upscale!"

"Aaah relax, Lee," Marie pulled her chair out and straddled it. "Who's going to notice? We've got the place to ourselves."

"And voila." Edd gestured toward the kitchen table before he realized he was by himself. "Ladies?" Edd backtracked to find them positioned at the dining room table. "I think there's been a mistake. Your table is actually this way."

"I think our table is here, Monsewer," Lee replied.

"Good, Lee. You've got to be assertive with these hoity-toity types. Get crackin' and get us some menus, Gerkon."

"Oui. Right away."

"_I hope Eddy hurries with those snails_." Edd grabbed a blank menu that the boys printed out and jotted down a few choice gourmet selections. Everything he wrote featured escargot, and capers. Before taking his menu back to the girls, he noticed the music stopped playing from the CD player. He was tempted to ask Ed to restart it, but decided to find the remote and take care of it.

"Ah, mood music." Marie leaned back and put her feet up.

"Ugh, what is this stuff?" May snorted.

"This is the kind of music you hear in a place like this."

"Well, I think we should hear something else." May got out of her chair. "Anybody got any special requests?"

"Your silence?"

"Who plays that one?"

Marie rolled her eyes.

"Your menu, Mademoiselles." Edd stepped back into the room.

"It's about time." Marie took the menu from Edd.

Lee looked up. "Hey, Gerkon. We need a refresher on this drink stuff. It's gone flatter than Marie's head."

"Hey!"

"Oh! Oui! Refreshed drinks! Right away!" The last thing Edd wanted were angry Kankers, even if they were only mad at each other.

May got back up, after Edd returned to the kitchen. "Now, to do something about those tunes." She wandered past the kitchen into the den and found Ed, still perched at the bar. "BIG ED!" May leapt at him and wrapped him in her arms. The force of her impact knocked him off his barstool. "Look how fancy you are!"

"Barnacle."

"Lee! Marie! Come see!"

Lee and Marie also made their way into the den. Edd watched, terrified. "Well, would you look at that," Lee smirked. "All dressed up and no one to dance with."

May practically throttled Ed. "Get your own boyfriend! He's MINE!"

"As if I want him." Lee looked around. "Where's Eddy, anyway?"

"Uh," Edd gulped. "Monsieur Eddy is selecting the freshest items for your culinary experience."

"Well, just so he hasn't taken off."

"May I show you back to your table?"

"Wait," May halted him. "This music still stinks."

"You don't like Bach? Would Mademoiselle prefer Debussy or Rachmaninov?" Edd made his way to the Lemiere's stereo. "Perhaps Mozart?"

"Never heard of 'em," Marie pushed Edd out of the way. "How about something like..." She thumbed through Mr. Lemiere's music collection. "Here we go. Hendrix."

"No way." Lee pushed her way past Edd. "What else is there?"

Marie thrust her album of choice into Lee's face. "Hendrix, Hendrix and Hendrix. _Take your pick_." Marie crossed her arms.

"I will. Move."

"Nothing doing! You always get to choose!"

Lee and Marie got into a shoving match in front of the stereo. Seeing disaster looming, Edd tried to mediate. "Ladies! PLEASE!"

"What do _you_ want?" Marie sneered at him.

"I'm sure we can come to some compromise. Can't we?"

"Yeah! We could wrestle for it!" Lee knocked Marie to the floor and tried to pin her before Marie vaulted her off with her feet. "Nice try, Toots."

"You think this is over?" Lee grabbed Marie's hair with a free arm and tried to pull her into a headlock. Marie braced against Lee's face and pushed her past her balance. The two of them rolled and tumbled across the room. May watched, jealous. "You guys have all the fun."

"What's keepin' ya' May?" Marie growled. "I could use some back-up!"

"Oh sure, call in reinforcements!" Lee pinned Marie just in front of the Lemiere's coffee table. "You can't take me alone."

"HA!" Marie used one of her legs to knock Lee over the coffee table. "That's for wreckin' my hair!"

Lee picked up the coffee table and threw it at Marie. "How about I smear that lipstick, too?"

Marie stepped on the overturned table and dove at Lee. "You're all talk!" Both crashed into the sofa and knocked a lamp off the end table next to it.

"WHOO-HOO!! YEAH!" Edd turned to see May bouncing on Ed's shoulders. Ed whistled and raised two fingers at Edd, "Popcorn, please!"

"Fighting over me?" Eddy chuckled.

"Eddy, stop them!"

"Why?"

"EDDY!"

"Alright, alright." Eddy took a deep breath. "HEY!"

Lee and Marie paused for a moment and looked at Eddy. Then Lee grinned. "Maybe YOU can help."

"Huh?"

Lee grabbed Eddy by the ankles and swatted Marie with him.

"Oh, yeah?!" Marie got up and grabbed Edd before he could run. "Try a little Double-D!" Marie tried to use Edd like a whip, but Lee parried the blow with Eddy. The battery kept up until both grew tired and dropped the boys like dilapidated flour sacks. For all their scuffling, the girls looked none the worse for wear. Edd and Eddy were quite a different matter.

"Hey Marie?" Lee panted.

"What?"

"What were we fighting about, anyway?"

Marie thought for a moment. "I have no idea. I guess it wasn't important."

"Heh, go fig." Lee got up and dusted herself off. "Let's go. I'm hungry."

"Yeah, me too."

"Fish sticks?"

"Nah. Tuna Helper."

"No way! It's Macaroni Night!" May got down from Ed's shoulders and joined her sisters.

"Only if you cook it." The girls filed out the door.

Eddy peered at Edd through a bleary eye. "What was that about?"

"I have no idea," Edd reeled. "I guess it wasn't important."

"Kraft Cheese-n-Maca-roni will get your noo-dle go-ing!"

"Shut up, Ed."

The next morning, Eddy woke to find Plank on his nightstand again. "ARRRRRRGH!" He grabbed Plank, threw him against his pillow and tried to choke him until he realized Plank had no neck. "ALRIGHT, YOU! I'VE HAD IT!" Eddy leapt out of bed and almost yanked his door off its sliders. "You show your face around here again, and I'm charging rent!" Eddy threw Plank as hard as he could. "Now, GET LOST!"

After slamming his door he sat on his bed to cool off. He looked at Lamp. "Don't you start!" Eddy grabbed Lamp's cord and plugged it back into the wall. "Of all the stupid stuff; a lamp in love with a board. Puh-leeze." Lamp didn't light up. Eddy unplugged the cord and plugged it back in. Lamp remained off. "Okay, fine. Don't work. See if I care!"

END of Part Two.


	3. Chapter 3

The characters appearing in this story are property of Aka Cartoon and Cartoon Network. I neither own nor profit from them.

**Forever and an Ed, Part Three**

"How are things with Plank and Lamp, Eddy?"

"Whatever do you mean?"

"Aren't they an item?"

"Double-D, I'm going to say this once and for all. One is a lamp and the other is a board. They are not alive. They do not have feelings. They do not have personalities. They are objects. Love between two objects does not happen. I, for one, am tired of this little fantasy."

"So, Plank was in your room again?"

"IT'S OVER! GIVE IT A REST, ALREADY!"

Edd dusted himself off after falling out of the swing. "Really, Eddy. There's no reason to raise your voice. I merely asked a question."

"PLAAAANK!" Jonny crossed the corner past Kevin's house with tears in his eyes. "PLAAANK!"

"What's with him?"

"Obviously, Plank's gone missing again."

"Jonny probably misplaced him."

"He looks awfully upset. Aren't you the least bit concerned?"

"If he ain't in my room, he ain't my problem."

Edd got off the swing. "Oh, that's really _sensitive_, Eddy."

"Pbthththt. Sue me."

Ed walked over to Jonny to see if he could help. "Jonny, what's wrong?"

"Double-D!" Jonny fell into a full-blown crying fit. "Plank ran away!"

Edd looked at Eddy out of the corner of his eye. Eddy crossed his arms and shook his head. Edd turned back to Jonny. "Are you sure you didn't just forget him, someplace?"

"Of course not! I'd never do that! We're best buddies!"

Edd tried to comfort him. "I don't think he'd run away from his best friend, Jonny."

"HE DID! OH, HE DID! HE'S GONE FOREVER!"

"Good riddance!" Eddy sniped.

Jonny buried his face in Edd's shirt and wailed. Edd shot Eddy a nasty look.

"But Jonny? How do you know he ran away?"

Jonny sniffled hard and produced a folded piece of paper from his pocket. "He left this note!"

Edd unfolded the note and wrinkled his brow. The paper was blank. "I'm afraid I can't read Plank's handwriting. Can you read it to me?"

Eddy sighed and rolled his eyes.

"I'm warning you, Eddy."

"Yeah right, like you're a big threat."

"I mean it. Don't make me angry."

"Ohhh, I'm scared. What are you gonna' do? Leave me a sticky note?" Eddy rocked back on his heels and laughed.

Kevin grabbed Eddy from behind, whirled him to the ground and pinned him. "You just can't leave little kids alone! Can you?"

"No, wait Kev! It's not like that!"

"Oh, really? Here's what I see: You're laughing and Jonny is crying." Kevin cocked his arm to throw a punch.

"But, Kev! Buddy! Pal! Really! It's not what you think!"

Edd cocked an eyebrow. "Oh, I don't know, Eddy."

"DOUBLE-D!!"

"Guys! Stop! We've gotta' find Plank!"

"Where is he, Dorky?"

"Heh-heh, really! I don't know! Read the note, Jonny! Read it! Quick!"

Jonny wiped his eyes and tried to compose himself. "It says he and Lamp are in love and that Eddy is mean."

Kevin's look grew more menacing.

_Sniffle._ "He says Eddy is mean and won't let them be together." _Sniffle._ "He says if Eddy thinks their love is wrong, they will go where their love is right! They eloped!" Tears welled-up again. "HE'S GONE! HE'S GONE!" Jonny fell into another hearty wail. "OH, PLAAANK!"

"There now." Eddy tried reasoning with Kevin. "See how silly this is?"

"Yep." Kevin hauled-off and decked him.

"AAUGH! What was THAT for?!"

"For being a dork."

-

Edd, Eddy, Jonny and Kevin combed the cul-de-sac for Plank and Lamp. They were nowhere to be found. Jonny became even more distraught as the day wore on. Kevin enlisted Nazz and then Sarah and Jimmy into the search. All tried to think of places a piece of wood and a lava lamp might go.

On their third sweep of the street, they saw Ed leaving Rolf's property with something under his jacket. "Put the chickens back, Ed."

"But I love chickens, Double-D!"

"Yes, we know. Put the chickens back."

"We haven't checked with Rolf," Eddy cut in. "Maybe he knows something."

"Good call, Dorky. I guess I should knock sense into you more often."

Jimmy and Sarah giggled.

-

The kids followed Kevin up to Rolf's doorstep and he knocked on the door. Rolf answered in his country's fully formal traditional dress, which quite literally looked like a dress. This challenged everyone's self control to keep from laughing. "Ah, yes. Good. I am glad you have come."

"What's goin' on, Rolf?"

"A very serious situation, Kevin-boy. Far worse than the souring of my Nana's stewed turnips."

"Okay."

"Sorry to bother you, Stretch." Eddy stepped up. "We wanted to ask if you've seen Plank or my lava lamp."

"Precisely the situation to which I am referring."

"Huh?"

"Plank and Lamp have sought sanctuary with Rolf. It is my country's tradition that I honor and defend their wishes until warring parties make their beets candied again."

"Uh, what?"

"He means you guys have to work out your beefs before he'll release Plank and Lamp."

"I have to negotiate with a stinkin' piece of wood? What a bunch of garbage! Gimme my lamp so I can go home!"

"This is my country's tradition, Three-Haired Ed-Boy."

"Yeah, well you're in _this_ country, now. Gimme my lamp!"

"You are as stubborn as a sow in a vegetable patch. Happily, so am I."

"Heh-heh-haha! Good one, Rolf! He looks like one, too!"

"Shut up, Kev."

Jonny stepped forward and wiped a tear from his eye. "Rolf?"

"Yes?"

"Can I at least see Plank?"

"I fear you cannot, Foot-in-Sandal Jon-Boy. No cucumbers can pickle away from the Table of Negotiation."

"Table of Negotiation? That's almost cute, Rolf. Gimme my lamp!"

"That is as likely as my Nano uncurling his back hair."

Eddy fumed. "Alright, fine! Keep the stupid lamp. I'm going home."

"Ahem." Kevin stepped in front of Eddy. "You only THINK you're going home."

"Take it up with Rolf! He just said he has Plank!"

"Forget it, Dork. Either you do what Rolf says or I pound you again."

"Okay-okay!" Eddy threw up his arms in exasperation.

Rolf gestured for people to come inside. "Please enter. The table awaits."

-

Jimmy decided Rolf's house was too scary to enter, so he and Sarah opted out. To keep Eddy in line, Kevin entered, as did Edd, Ed, Jonny and Nazz.

From the foyer, the kids could see that Rolf moved all of the furniture out of the den and placed a chess board in the center, surrounded by cushions. On top of the chessboard sat the Great Nano Urn and two candles. Nazz moved toward the cushions but Rolf stopped her. "No-no, Trendy-Nazz-girl. You must don the Sacred Fleece of Gasburda before you can enter this hallowed place. Please, everyone."

From an old steamer trunk, Rolf produced folded parcels of lamb's fleece and passed them among the kids. Each parcel was different for each one. Nazz's parcel turned out to be a belt, while Kevin's resembled an armored breastplate. Ed's was a pair of trousers, and Edd's looked like an ambassador's cap. Jonny's looked like a vest. The kids dressed and looked at Eddy. He wore no fleece, but a very sour face. "There is no way I'm putting this on."

"But Eddy, you have to," Edd pleaded. "We're in Rolf's house. We must respect his traditions."

"Forget it, this is stupid!"

"Quit stalling and put it on." Kevin cuffed him.

"No way!"

"You have rubbed Rolf's rhubarb enough, Short-in-Stature Ed-boy," Rolf hissed. "Do not try Rolf any further."

"Not in a million years, Rolfie-Boy. I ain't puttin' it on."

"Please Eddy," Edd bleated. "Jonny's miserable."

"No."

Kevin bristled his bicep. "Put the fleece on, Dorky."

"No."

"If you think finding Plank in your room was bad, wait till I get through with it."

"Whaddya' mean?"

"Get a move on, already!"

"Alright-alright! Whatta' bunch of nags!" Eddy ducked behind a corner and pulled on his fleece. "Okay. It's on." He looked at himself and poked his head around the corner. "Hey Rolf? Are you sure this is required?"

"It is as necessary as my Nana's daily girdle-cinching."

"Uh, right. Can't I just keep it in my lap, or something?"

"Hurry up!" Kevin snapped.

"Okay. But nobody dare laugh."

Eddy paused once more before revealing himself to an explosion of laughter. Eddy's fleece resembled a baby bib and footed pajamas with duckies embroidered on them. "Sacred my foot," he growled.

-

Once everyone's laughter was under control, Rolf led them into the den. He refused to let them sit. "You must be cleansed before joining the Great Nano Urn. Come. We now consume the Cheese of the Ember of Bredthiu."

Past knowledge of Rolf's culinary persuasions left everyone eyeing his tray and pats of cheese with more than a little foreboding. Jonny cautiously selected a pat and examined it before popping it into his mouth. A smile crossed his face after a moment. "It tastes like brie." Reassured, the other kids ate the cheese. Shortly thereafter, Kevin looked as if he'd eaten a strong pepper. Black smoke poured from Eddy's nose and mouth. "AAAAAUGHH! I'M ON FIRE!" Everyone dove out of the way as flames erupted from his mouth. "WATER! I NEED WATER!"

"Water will not help you." Rolf held the candles from the chessboard under Eddy's mouth. "Blow, please."

Eddy pursed his lips and blew a six-foot jet of fire which Rolf used to light the candles. "Cool," Ed marveled. Nothing happened when he tried it. Kevin tried it, too, but only blew a little puff of steam.

"How come he has flame-thrower breath and we don't?"

"The cheese burns impurities from the soul. Stale-Bread Ed-Boy has the most impurities to feed the fire."

Kevin laughed at Eddy's predicament. When Eddy tried to retaliate with another jet of flames, he only emitted puffs of smoke. Kevin laughed some more.

"Oh yeah? I don't see you completely burn-free, Kev!"

"Big deal. So, I think about stuff. I'll bet there isn't one person in this room who doesn't."

"What stuff?" Jonny looked at him inquisitively.

"Uh," Kevin nervously poked a finger under his cap and scratched his head. Everyone's eyes were on him. "Why's everybody looking at me?"

Eddy chuckled. "_Pervert_."

"YOU'RE ONE TO TALK, DORK-TORCH!" Kevin made a grab for Eddy, but Rolf jumped between them. "Enough of this! It is time to join the Great Nano Urn!"

Once everyone arranged themselves around the chessboard, Rolf raised his hands and glided them across the top of the urn. "We must summon my ancestors to assist us in our quest for resolution. My Great Nano is listening, Jonny. Seek his guidance."

Jonny gingerly reached out placed his hand on the urn.

"Yes. That's it," Rolf urged. Eddy rolled his eyes.

"Great Nano. My name is Jonny. Please grant me the wisdom of the elm and the patience of the oak to help me through this difficult time."

"Very good. Now for Flat-in-the-Head Ed-Boy."

Eddy grimaced and looked around. He would've refused except that Kevin and Rolf were too close for a smooth escape. He placed his hand on the urn and feigned reverence:

"_Hail, O' Great Spirit of the snow globe with the plastic sheep in it. May your water forever swirl with the soot it contains. My request, O' Great Nano, is for Gates' money, Sinatra's voice, Crosby's charm and Travolta's moves._"

"And potato chips," Ed interjected.

"And some potato chips for Ed. Onion rings, Double-D?"

Just then, a bolt of lightening shot from the light fixture above their heads and nailed Eddy.

"... aNd gOoDNeSss aND pAYshUnce ANd ClAritYnEss."

Kevin laughed as Eddy weaved and slumped backwards, stunned.

-

When the lights came back on, Plank and Lamp sat on cushion at one end of the chessboard. "PLANK!" Jonny dove for Plank and nuzzled him.

"RELEASE HIM, JONNY WOOD-BOY!"

"Oh. I-I'm sorry." Jonny withdrew to his cushion with a tear in his eye.

"Negotiations are not over, Jonny. Plank and Lamp must speak their troubles before negotiations may begin," Rolf directed. "Restrain yourself."

"Plank says he would like to go first," Jonny reported.

"Yes, good. Continue."

"Plank says he is sorry he and Lamp ran away."

"Great! We're resolved!" Eddy jumped to his feet. "I'll be taking my lamp home, now."

"SILENCE!" Rolf's eyes flashed angrily. "I warned you, once, Greasy Ed-Boy. Do not sour my herring with your pickled turnips!"

"Aww c'mon, Rolf. This is stupid."

"Eddy, please," Edd reasoned. "I'm as eager to end this as you are, but we must follow the rules."

"Take a seat," Kevin growled.

"Continue," Rolf urged Plank.

"Plank says that the love he shares with Lamp is genuine, but Eddy and... Who? Me?" Jonny looked at Plank uncomprehendingly for a moment. "Um, Eddy and I keep tearing Plank and Lamp apart." Jonny paused again. "Plank says that a lamp and a board can feel love just as I could feel love for Sar..." Jonny's face turned sheepish. "Uh, I mean, as I could feel love for a girl."

"Jonny likes Sarah?" Nazz was stunned.

"No WAAAY!!" Eddy roared with laughter.

Jonny soured.

Kevin chuckled. "Different strokes. Huh, Rolf?"

"My cucumbers wilt for the future."

Ed threw his arms around Jonny. "Jonny's a good husband for Sarah!"

"HAHAHAHA! You hear that Double-D?! You're in the clear! HAHAHA!"

Jonny fought to get Ed to let go of him. "Can we _get back _to the subject,_ please?_"

-

To Jonny's relief, everyone finally did stop laughing, but a took a few minutes. "Jonny Wood-Boy, is Plank finished?"

"Plank says it's Lamp's turn."

"Continue."

The kids all turned their eyes to Eddy. "What?"

"You must tell us what Lamp says, Small-and-Round Ed-Boy."

"Are you nuts? It's a lamp! It can't talk!"

"She can too talk! Plank says she can!"

"Jonny, look," Eddy paused to compose his thoughts. "I don't know why you're so hung up on a piece of wood, but you have to realize that this is all IMAGINARY. Give it a rest."

"Plank's not imaginary. He's sitting right there."

"That's not what I'm talking about."

"Dorky's holding up the show, again."

"You're being awfully gullible for someone your age, Kev."

"Yeah, well I've got a knuckle sandwich that says otherwise. Tell us what Lamp says."

"IT IS A LAMP. IT DOES NOT TALK."

"She does, too. You just have to listen."

"Fine. If you're so good at it, you tell us what she says."

"I can't."

"Why not?!"

"She's your lamp."

"This is unbelievably stupid. C'mon guys."

"Eddy," Edd pleaded. "Do what Jonny says."

"Sure. Why not? Let's break out the tea set and get Sarah and Jimmy's dolls over here, too."

"Enough of this," Rolf broke in. "The hour grows late and my patience grows thin like Nana's head of hair! Speak for the lamp!"

"Okay, fine." Eddy cocked his ear toward Lamp. "What's that lamp? Lamp says," he pushed his voice into his best falsetto. "_Hi. I'm Lamp. It's been fun, but Jonny's insane and I really miss Eddy's room. I'd like to go home, now_."

"QUIT FOOLING AROUND," Kevin snapped.

"Well, you heard the lady. I'll just take my lamp and go." Eddy reached for Lamp. As he did, the lights flickered and the fixture above them blazed for another lightening strike.

"AAAAUGH!! Help me, guys!" Eddy cowered under his cushion.

"Tell us what Lamp says."

"I don't know what Lamp says, okay?! I never heard anything come out of her in my life!"

Jonny raised his hand serenely. "Eddy."

Eddy still cowered under his cushion.

"Eddy, I can help you."

The light fixture above them returned to a semi-normal state.

"Why didn't you say so?"

"Because you weren't listening."

"So, help me."

"Do you know how Plank speaks to me?"

"I have no idea," Eddy cautiously came out from under his cushion.

"He uses a little whisper. You can hear him if you try."

"I don't hear anything."

"Clear your mind."

-

The kids sat silently until Ed broke out laughing. "HA-HA! Plank's funny!"

Jonny grinned. "Try it, Eddy."

Ed burst into another round of chuckling. Edd and Nazz started giggling, too.

"What?"

"You got that right!" Kevin joined in the laughter.

"Would somebody please tell me what's going on?!"

"Yes! Like my Nana's pantaloons! Hahahaha!"

"WHAT?!"

"Try it, Eddy" Nazz giggled. "Plank's a riot!"

Eddy crossed his arms and grumbled while everyone else boiled with laughter. He kept hearing something faint, but he figured it was his imagination and he didn't pay much attention to it. It kept up, however, and it seemed to trigger more laughter. "_That can't be it_," Eddy thought. He tried tuning it in.

"-- _so short, he pole vaults with a toothpick_!"

"What the..?"

"_Eddy's so short, he has to get a ladder to pick up a dime_!"

"_Eddy's so short, he has to look up to look down!_"

Laughter swelled again.

"_You think Jonny's head is big? Eddy's head's so big, you can see his thoughts on radar!_

_That's just his head! His mouth is so big, he speaks in surround sound!_

_His mouth's so big, he uses Chap Stick SPRAY!_

_His mouth's so big, his toothpaste is Col-Fence!_

_He's ugly, too! Eddy's so ugly, for Halloween, he has to trick-or-treat over the phone!_

_Eddy's so ugly, he makes Right Guard turn left_!"

_Eddy's so ugly, when he takes a bath, the water jumps out!"_

"Now, just a rotten minute!"

"_And don't get me started on his fat! Eddy's so fat, his baby pictures are arial views!_

_Eddy's so fat, when he goes to the beach, he blocks everybody's sun!_

_Eddy's so fat, he's got more rolls than a Royce!_

_Eddy's so fat, his belly button has an echo!_

_Eddy's so fat, Mount Everest wants to climb HIM! _"

"I ought to put you through a wood-chipper, you little..!"

_"He's dumb, too, man! Eddy's so dumb, he puts lipstick on his head to make up his mind!_

_Eddy's so dumb, when he trips, he falls UP! _"

_Eddy's so dumb, he tried to put M&Ms in alphabetical order!_

Eddy's so dumb, if you put your head up to him, you hear the ocean!

Eddy's so dumb, he tried drugs and got Hooked on Phonics!"

"WATCH IT TERMITE BAIT!"

"Eddy! You did it!"

"Huh?"

"You heard Plank!"

"Hey, I did, didn't I?"

"Now you can tell us what Lamp says!"

"Okay, but Plank'd better watch his mouth from now on."

"_Just like Eddy needs to watch his weight_."

"HEY!"

The kids laughed some more.

When things calmed back down, Eddy could hear another whispery voice giggle along with Plank. He figured it must be Lamp. "Uh, so Lamp? What do you have to say" He still felt silly for talking to a lamp.

_"First, I'd like to say that you need to sleep on your stomach more often. Your snoring is enough to split sheetrock."_

"Uh, Lamp says I need to sleep on my stomach."

"_I also need to say something about your nocturnal activities. You spend waaaay too much time..."_

"Lamp also says that I... _Hoo boy_." Eddy flushed beet red with embarrassment. Beads of sweat formed on his brow. "Can we, uh, get to reason we're here, please?"

Kevin folded his arms and shot Eddy a knowing sneer. "Really, Eddy."

"Get your mind out of the gutter! She's talking about comic books!"

"Suuuure she is."

"Shut up, Kev."

_"I'm here for the same reasons Plank is. We're in love. You need to respect that."_

"What are you talking about? I respected it! I let you date, didn't I?"

_"All you cared about was how to turn our feelings into money. When that didn't work, you threw Plank out. Don't deny it."_

"But I didn't know you two were possible."

_"Neither did your brother, but at least Artie left me alone. He didn't mind if I had visitors and he certainly didn't try to take money from them."_

"Look, I'm SORRY, okay? Is that what you want?"

_"No."_

"What, then?!"

_"I want you to leave Plank and I alone."_

"Done. Is that all?"

_"You could stand to unplug me once in a while. Do know how hard it is to stay lit 24/7?"_

"Okay. Are we finished?"

_"One more thing."_

"What?"

_"Do you think we could join the 21st century? Maybe get a CD player? If you're going to spin Tom Jones all day at least give me digital sound."_

"Uh, right. I'll take that under advisement. Can we go home?"

_"I need a minute with Plank."_

-

Eddy looked at everyone's faces once he finished speaking with Lamp. Thankfully, no one laughed, but self-consciousness crept back up his spine. He wondered how much of Lamp's words people heard. The discovery that his room wasn't as private as he thought really embarrassed him.

"An agreement has been reached," Rolf announced cheerily. "We must thank my ancestors for bringing such fast resolution."

"No more fire cheese, I hope?"

"No, Round-Chin Ed-Boy. We must please them with the Dance of the Hairless Otter and the Bountiful Eel."

"Okeeee," Eddy sighed. "I take it I can't sit this one out."

"Do not even ask, Egg-Faced Ed-Boy."

-

The 'dance' was a chaotic, leaping, spinning collection of disjointed flailings which ended with everyone dizzily collapsed on the floor. "Ahhh, tears of impurity form from the dance," Rolf panted and wiped his brow. "My ancestors will be pleased."

"Man, I haven't sweat this much since Chez la Sweat."

"And we're still repairing the house, huh Plank?"

"You should make an aerobics tape, Rolf. What a work out!"

"It'll take me weeks to sanitize these clothes," Edd mumbled.

Eddy caught himself downwind from Ed. "This hasn't done your B.O. any favors, Lumpy."

"SNACK!"

-

Once everyone picked themselves off the floor, they removed their fleece before filing out the door. Other than Rolf, no one realized how much time passed during the negotiations. It was already dark outside.

Eddy returned home with Lamp and placed her back on his nightstand. He almost plugged her back in, but remembered what Lamp told him about running all the time. "Man, what a loooong day." He started to remove his clothes, but stopped when he remembered he wasn't completely alone. Sheepishly, he slipped into his closet to finish undressing.

A shower was especially welcome after dealing with Rolf's ancestors, and Eddy wasted no time en-route to the bathroom. He froze when he got there, however. A creeping suspicion nagged at him. He looked closely at each of the bathroom fixtures and listened for any faint noises. "If anything in here can talk, I DO NOT want to know." He waited a little longer for anything out of the ordinary before stepping into the shower, but came right back out again. He then closed the toilet lid and covered it with a towel just in case.

END of story.


End file.
